TOP SECRET!


Starring Val Kilmer, Lucy Gutteridge, Omar Sharif
Director Jim Abrahams, David Zucker, Jerry Zucker
Canadian Rating PG
Released by Paramount Pictures - 1984

“When I was six years old, my momma took me on a trip to the city. We went to a big ol’ department store and I got lost. They tried to page her, but the P.A. system was on the fritz. I never saw my momma again.”

And so goes the saga of Nick Rivers, the rock-and-roll hero of “Top Secret!”, the little-known 1984 spoof from celebrated comedy team ZAZ (David and Jerry Zucker and Jim Abrahams). When asked about famous spoofs, 1980’s “Airplane!” (another ZAZ collaboration) has significant notoriety over anything else. You may have never heard of “Top Secret!” until now, but I would rank it alongside “Airplane!” as one of the funniest damned movies ever made. This is a crowning moment in spoof history - a film so inventive in its silliness and consistent with its gags that I continue to erupt with laughter after multiple viewings.

As Nick Rivers, the American hunk flown to WWII Germany to entertain the screaming foreign ladies, Val Kilmer gives his one of his sharpest performances. And at such a young age! Val has an affinity for satirical comedy, it seems, and his priceless deadpan delivery makes Charlie Sheen in “Hot Shots” look like a poor man’s Carrot Top. “Top Secret!” could be the loosest and craziest of all ZAZ parodies. Among the funniest bits are an underwater barfight (impossible to explain here), the introduction of French underground mercenaries (with names like Deja Vu, Latrene and, my personal favorite, Chocolate Mousse) and a remarkable scene shown in reverse for the purpose of making a Swedish accent sound believable.

The Rivers character is like a collision of Elvis Presley and The Beach Boys, and baby-faced Kilmer pulls it off like an old pro. Odd, this was his first movie. Now out on DVD (and sure to be in my collection at the time you read this), “Top Secret!” is a sparkling diamond in the rough. See it with a few friends who like to laugh. Alcohol or not, you’ll have a complete blast.

AIRPLANE!


Starring Robert Hays, Julie Hagerty, Lloyd Bridges,
Peter Graves, Leslie Nielsen and Robert Stack
Director Jim Abrahams, David Zucker, Jerry Zucker
Canadian Rating PG
Released by Paramount Pictures - 1980

A riotous parody of airport disaster films, “Saturday Night Fever”, “From Here to Eternity” and basically all movies on God’s green Earth, “Airplane!” contains some of the funniest nuggets of cinematic satire ever put on screen. There are so many rapid-fire gags that, if you head for a short bathroom break, you’ll miss about 24. And 75% of those result in hysterics - a ratio that remains mind-boggling even by today’s standards (well, especially by today’s standards)

Ted Striker (Robert Hays) is a former war pilot with a scarring past who persuades himself to board a plane to Chicago because Elaine Dickinson (Julie Hagerty), the love of his life, is a stewardess on the flight. He and Elaine have parted ways since his psychological breakdown, but Striker just can’t stop thinking about her. The flight gets interesting when everyone who had fish for dinner beings getting violently ill, including the pilot (Peter Graves, who asks kids visiting the cockpit if they like Gladiator movies) and the co-pilot, played (for no particular reason) by Kareem Abdul-Jabbar. A doctor on the plane (the heaven-sent Leslie Nielsen) tries to handle the situation, but don’t call him Shirley.

“Airplane!” is a classic, and my God, is it ever funny. There are black passengers who speak “jive”, which requires English subtitles. An inflatable co-pilot (filling in for Jabbar) has an air hose in an inappropriate place. There are flashing signs that read “No smoking”, folowed by the foreign translation “El no a you Smoko”. And who could forget the bickering airport loudspeaker couple with their loading and unloading zones ("Don't start up with your white zone shit again!") and the high-class 10-year old, who, while courting a young lady passenger, discovers that she takes her coffee “Black.... like my men”.

Back on the ground, the late Lloyd Bridges offers incredibly funny support as the lunatic tower control operator who enjoys sniffing glue. Perhaps that’s what the ZAZ team was doing for creative inspiration on this one, because “Airplane!” -- living up to its notorious rep -- is the mother of all spoof movies.